A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

Ten Worst Jobs in the Travel Industry

Heavenly Father, look down on us, your humble tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear.  We beseech You, Oh Lord, to see that our plane is not hi-jacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight bagage goes unnoticed. Protect us from surly and unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters and unlicensed English-speaking guides.

Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our hotels, that we may find our reservations honoured, our rooms made up and the hot water running from the correct tap if at all. We pray that the telephone works, that the operator speaks our tongue and that there is no telegram waiting from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of the trip.

Lead us, Dear Lord, to good inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters frindly and the wine included in the price of the meal. Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance and overtipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what they can screw out of us.

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, cathedrals, palaces and castles listed as "musts"in guidebooks, and if per chance we skip a historical monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.

For husbands only:
Dear God, keep our wifes from shopping sprees and protect them from bargains which they neither need nor can afford. Lead them not in temptation for they know not what they do.

For wives only:
Almighty father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them with us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and nightclubs. Above all please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.

Together:
And when our voyage is over and we return to our loved ones, grant us the favour of finding a willing audience for our movies and a sympathetic ear for our stories, so that our lives as tourists shall not have been in vain.

Amen
 

He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy.  They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.  It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...... please advise".

So the old man faxed back:...
...Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

MONDAY:  What a wonderful cruise this is going to be!  I felt singularly honored this evening.  The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY:  I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY:  The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY:  Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY:  This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.

Cruiseaholics' 12-Step Program

1) We admit that we are powerless over cruises and our lives have become unmanageable.....

2) Came to believe in a cruise greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

3) Made a decision to turn our credit cards and our lives over to the care of cruising as we understand it.

4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the chocoholic buffet on NCL

5) Admitted to cruising , to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of what formal night really means

6) Were entirely ready to have cruising remove all my dignity in the Best Legs contest on Carnival

7) Humbly asked cruising to remove all my dollar chips in the casino in three short hours

8) Made a list of all persons we had met on the cruise ship who we would like to see again on another cruise

9) Made direct payments to the shore excursions desk wherever possible, except when finding a better cheaper tour on our own

10) Continued to take personal  inventory of the breakfast buffet and when we were full head straight to line dancing lessons

11) Sought through inside and outside cabins to improve our location with upgrades and room credits, praying only for a open seat with a view in the show lounge and the power to land a decent deck chair in the morning.

12) Having a had a cruise experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to cruiseaholics, and to practice these rituals in as many cruises a year as our pocket book allows.

Subject: Monitored Approach British Explanation 

Now try this actual explanation of this procedure from the British Airways manual:
 

P2, and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals.  They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot. 

The Landing Pilot is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for taxi until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots.

The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around", as appropriate. 

In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly.
 

Ship Abbreviations

Florence said, "Everything they can see is 85 years old.  This hat is brand new."

A man was ashore in a port with tender service and forgot when the last tender back to the ship would be.  He approached the dock and saw a tender fifteen feet from the dock.  He raced to the end of the dock and made a flying jump into the tender landing flat on his face.  He turned to the officer in charge and said, "That was a pretty good long jump. It must have been fifteen feet."

The officer said, "Yes, but I don’t know why you did it.  This tender is coming in" 

Speaking of tenders, I hope the ship recovers all of it’s tender before it leaves.  I don’t want to be on a ship with a tender behind.

A ship was slinking.  The only people aboard were the captain,  chief engineer,  first mate, and second mate.  There were only three more places in the last lifeboat.

The captain said, "There are only three more places in the lifeboat and there are four of us.  The way we’ll decide which of us does not get a place is that I’ll ask you questions about sea disasters.  The first one who can’t answer a question correctly stays behind.  If you all answer the questions correctly, I’ll stay behind."  Everybody agreed to that.

The captain asked the second mate a question, "What White Star Line ship struck an iceberg in 1912 and sunk."

The second mate responded, "The Titanic."

"That’s right, take your place in the lifeboat."

The first mates turn came next.  "How many lives were lost?" 

The first mate answered, "1503."

"That’s right, take your place in the lifeboat."

The captain turned to the chief engineer and said, "Name them." 
 

ONLY FOUR PARACHUTES 

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. 

The first passenger, Bill Clinton said: "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.", so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. 

The second passenger, Antoine Walker said: "I am one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die", so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. 

The third passenger, Hillary Clinton said: "I am the wife of the President of the United States, and soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world", so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane. 

The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout: "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute. 

The boy scout said: "It's okay.  There's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."

Forgive me if any Democrats are offended...just a joke..ok? B... 
 

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles.   By the time we took off, there had been a  45-minute delay and everybody  on board was ticked. 

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way.  The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. 

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.  I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. 

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.  Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" 

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." 

Picture this ALL the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!  The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! 
 

Smooth and Uneventful Flight

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the back of mine!"
 

Actual stories provided by travel agents:

Story 2.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

Story 3.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is
in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response .....click.

Story 4.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

Story 5.
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"  I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Story 6.
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

Story 7.
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.  Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

Story 8.
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's  luggage belongs to who?"  I said, "No, why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"  After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

Story 9.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"  I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

Story 10.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

Story 11.
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of  those."  I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

Story 12.
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"  "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked  up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."  The customer retorted, "Oh  don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!" The agent scoured  a map of the state of New York and  finally offered,  "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

The service attendant came to the window and said, "Hi folks. What can I do for you today?"

The old woman asked in a really irritating voice, "What? What'd he say??"

"He wants to know what we want", shouted the old man.  The old man told the attendant to fill up the tank, so the attendant went about his business. 

He came back while the tank was filling and asked the old man where they were headed. 

The old woman again asked in that same irritating voice, "What? What'd he say??"

"He wants to know where we're off to", shouted the old man, and he told the attendant they were going to Miami to take their annual cruise to the Caribbean. 

"Wow, there are some beautiful islands in the Caribbean. Where are you folks from?" 

"What? What'd he say??", the old woman asked again.

The old man shouted back, "He wants to know where we live." The old man told him hey were from Long Island. 

"Wow, that's a great place, too. But I had the worst sex of my life in New York. 

Again the old woman asked, "What? What'd he say??" 

The old man shouted back at her, "He says he thinks he knows you!"
 

Whatever Works!!! 

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the  peace is  shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.  Stopping the  flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly,  soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's  hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.  All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. 

"Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that  they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose." 
 

Luggage Joke 

I went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage. I said that I want this piece to go to Cleveland, this piece to Toronto, and this piece to Florida. 

The airline agent said, "We can't do that." 

I replied, "Well, you did it last week." 
 

The Top 16 Signs You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship 

 16. The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake. 

 15. Scheduled entertainment: The comedy stylings of Kato Kaelin! 

 14. All activities are scheduled for after sundown, and the chefs refuse to cook with garlic... 

 13. First port of call on your "Surprise Adventures Tour" is East Timor. 

 12. Six-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go -- and it's *not* a Disney cruise. 

 11. The "TrekCruise" brochure said nothing about William Shatner eating all the shrimp before you get to the buffet. 

 10. "LIFEBOATS?!? We don't NEED no stinkin' lifeboats!!"

  9. The scenery is nice, but monotonous: two seagulls, a puffy cloud, a sun, then wait ten seconds and it starts over again. 

  8. Complimentary Polo shirt is yours to keep -- after you make a dozen more just like 'em for Kathie Lee at the Guatemala port of call. 

  7. The Good News: You've been invited to dine at the captain's table.  The Bad News: Tonight's entertainment is a live sex show at the captain's table. 

  6. Welcome aboard "wine and cheese" buffet consists of Ripple and Velveeta slices. 

  5. Their ship: Leonardo DiCaprio sketches a tasteful nude of you in your cabin.  Your ship: Bobby-Ray spray paints your name on one of the smokestacks. 

  4. "And here's your dance director: The man who invented  dancing, Al Gore!" 

  3. Cruise line name: ValuBoat Destination: Florida Everglades . That strong smell of fish is not coming from the sea, but from your cruise director, Julie McCrusty. 

          and the Number 1 Sign You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship... 

   1. "Attention passengers: Now starting on the Lido Deck is the ship's Tequila Shots Championship. Come watch undefeated Captain Hazelwood defend his title!"

...and some more

1.) Your cruise director used to be a guard at Leavenworth Prison.

2.) Your chief purser is an old mafia leg-breaker who settles accounts by any means necessary.

3.) On that note, your cabin stewards are running a protection racket.

4.) Your cruise line's executive chef is your old lunchlady from junior high.

5.) "Fielding's Worldwide Cruises" gave the ship you're on a "Four Iceberg" rating.

6.) You take a tour of the bridge only to find the captain setting course to play "chicken" with the "Grand Princess".

7.) Your ship was featured in a recent production known as "The Lust Boat".

8.) The DJ in the disco repeatedly plays "Macarena" and "Barbie Girl" even if he has plenty in his library.

9.) Instead of white or dark chocolate on your pillow, you get a piece of Clove chewing gum.

10.) The towel animals have fur on them.
 

Subject:          I get knocked down

Having just returned from a HAL trip, my friend offered the following hour-by-hour comparison of cruise life & real life for me--thought y'all would enjoy . . . 

Time        Cruise                    Reality

 6:45 am    Sleeping soundly          Alarm clock sounds
 7:00 am    Sleeping                  Shower
 7:30 am    Still sleeping            Make own coffee
 8:00 am    Asleep                    Sit in traffic
 8:30 am    Asleep                    Scream into cell phone
 9:00 am    Asleep                    Find parking space
 9:30 am    Still sleeping            Answer 50 phone calls
 9:45 am    Wake up                   Search for more coffee
10:00 am    Steward pours coffee      Make coffee again at office
10:10 am    Choose from buffet        Meeting with imbeciles
10:30 am    Choose deck chair         Scream at voice mail 
11:00 am    Back to buffet            Imbeciles call back
11:30 am    Try buffet by Lido also   Chew fingernails
12:00 pm    Back to chaise lounge     Work on lecture
12:30 pm    Too sleepy to read        Read hideous boring lecture
12:45 pm    Ice cream bar!            Skipped lunch to work
 1:00 pm    Ship building trials!     Look for change in desk.
 1:30 pm    Ice Carving!              Buy CheezNabs at vend machine
 2:00 pm    Back to Lido buffet       Eat stale Nabs
 2:30 pm    Short poolside nap        Lay head on desk in frustration
 3:00 pm    TIME FOR RUM DRINK        Really gotta get work done
 3:30 pm    Another drink             Scream at pager
 4:00 pm    Switch to vodka           Pen out of ink. Devastated.
 4:30 pm    Stunning sunset           Imbeciles appear at office.
 5:00 pm    Lasht rum dwinksh         Meeting reiterates AM meeting
 5:30 pm    Sun drops into sea        Drop into desk chair
 5:45 pm    NAPTIME                   Really buckling down now.
 6:30 pm    Asleep                    Screaming at telephone
 7:30 pm    Asleep                    Leave. Can't find car.
 7:45 pm    Asleep                    Sit in traffic
 8:00 pm    Get dressed for dinner!   Sit in traffic
 8:15 pm    Choose five courses       Sit in traffic
 9:00 pm    Order 2nd bottle of wine  Arrive to messy home
 9:30 pm    Flaming dessert!         Peer into fridge.
10:00 pm    Casino time!              Check fridge again.
10:30 pm    Win 100 at craps!         Order pizza with coupon.
11:00 pm    DISCO TIME!               Call back, scream at pizza guy
11:30 pm    "1999" is played          Pizza arrives, cold.
11:45 pm    3rd bottle of wine        Watch impeachment news.
12:00 am    "We are Family" is played Change cat litter.
12:10 am    "1998" is played          Asleep.
12:30 am    "Chumbawumba"             Asleep.
 1:00 am    Last bottle of wine       Asleep.
 1:20 am    Last dance to "1999"      Asleep.  Grinding teeth.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...  it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.  please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault .....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the  terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee....  "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his bad landing, he had   hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land  or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,  "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew haveb rought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silence, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways." 

Americans:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No.  I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

1. Thou shalt not expect to find things as thou has them at home, for thou has left home to find things different.
2. Thou shalt not take anything too seriously, for a carefree mind is the beginning of a fine holiday.
3. Thou shalt not let other tourists get on thy nerves, for thou art paying good money to enjoy thyself.
4. Remember to take only half the clothes thou think thou needs, and twice the money.
5. Know at all times where thy passport is, for a person without a passport is a person without a country.
6. Remember that if we had been expected to stay in one place, we would have been created with roots.
7. Thou shalt not worry, for he that worrieth hath no pleasure - few things are ever fatal.
8. When in Rome, thou shalt be prepared to do somewhat as the Romans do.
9. Thou shalt not judge the people of a country by the one person who hast given thee trouble.
10. Remember thou art a guest in other lands, and he that treateth his host with respect shall be honored.

And, from GadgetWorld...

• You take brochures on your cruise to plan the next cruise(s).
• You're either cruising, or thinking or talking cruises or on this NG
• When you go shopping for clothes, you think of "how would that look on Captain's night?" 
• You immediately think of dieting for your next cruise as soon as you gain a few pounds.
• You have more than one cruise paid for in advance.
• Your closet is looking like a cruise museum with logo items dominating your hangers.
• You could open a small spa with all the Steiner creams and lotions you just had to have.
• You pay nightly visits to the fridge for your own "midnight buffet". 
• You ask you spouse at home if you are on the main or late seating.
• You experience serious withdrawal symptoms within 2 week of your debarkation from your last cruise.
• You display the photos you took on your cruises on your refrigerator door as if you were the ships photographer.
• You just can't sleep as well when the gentle rolling of the ocean is not putting you to sleep.
• You prefer the convenient sized bathrooms on board where everything is within arms reach.
• You just can't get a reggae song out of your mind.
• You keep your cruise wardrobe ready to be packed at a moment's notice.
• You wonder why people of all races, nationalities, religions, sexual and political preferences get along so well on cruises and so bad at home.
• You find yourself saying por favor and gracias to strangers.
• You find that taking good care of yourself regular hair & nails appointments and the occasional massage is no longer a luxury.
• You turn down opportunities to travel to resorts and to major cities other then by ship.
• You are  disappointed to see the same scenery you saw yesterday out your window when you awaken.
• You question the practicality of going to the supermarket, looking for a parking space, shopping for food, taking it home, storing it. cooking it, serving it, and cleaning up, when it is much easier to just order from the menu.
• Your back feels better, sleeping on the ships mattress without the innerspring at home.
• When you have your snorkel equipment packed "ready to go" at a moments

notice.
• When you're not a TA, and still have Celebrity's, NCL's and RCCL's 800 numbers memorized.
• When you have your TA's telephone number memorized.
• When your TA has your credit card number memorized.
• For many of these and other reasons I know I'm addicted.

You know the CRUISE BUG'S gotcha when.... 

 
• You walk out  your front door, stop and smile, expecting a photographer. 
• You get home from work and wonder why your cabin steward hasn't made the bed yet.
• You call your plummer because your toilet doesn't "sound" like it's flushing properly. 
• Standing still makes you feel sick....No1golfr

 
• You know where every ship in the Fleet is at any given moment without having to read the brochures or itinerary guides! (True for us for Celebrity--and we've almost got it down for Premier!) ...PegNDerek

• When you read rec.travel.cruises at least twice a day.
• When you're baffled when you come home at night and find that the bath towels are still on the floor where you dropped them and the bed is still unmade.
• When your friends are always asking you,  "When's your next cruise?"....luvtotravel

 
• you don't understand why after eating in the local restaurant the waiters and restaurant owner are running after you because you forgot that you had to ask for a check....Ben S.

• you phone the cruise line with a question and you find out you know more about the cruise/line than they do !!
• as soon as anyone you know mentions they are going on holiday it

sets you off talking about cruises for the next 2 days...Margaret Anne
 
• You don't know what to do with yourself on the first day home after a cruise because you don't have a cruise compass sheet to plan your day for you....Erin

 
• you call the same cruise line and ask if there are any "time share cabins" for sale...Jupiter45

• you go out and purchase a wine pourer like the wine steward used.
• you go through the house trying to find your photos on the walls...Mark

• you watch the videos you took on your cruise for the umpteenth time.
• you make a backup copy your cruise videos, so God forbid, the tape should break or get stuck in the VCR. :-)...cruzgal

• you talk about cruises until you even find yourself obnoxious...Marty

• part of one of your garage walls is covered with a collage made of pictures from cruise brochures and magazines
• when you visit these boards a few times per week...CruzMon

• you have more cruise brochures than a travel agency: old ones, new ones, duplicates so you can both study them at the same time....Eileen

• you know the cruise bug's gotcha when you make your kids wear name tags and serve you mixed drinks around the pool. 
• you haven't bought soap, shampoo or conditioner in the past six months because you have so many little bottles.
• your cruise discounter's 800 number is posted right there below POLICE, FIRE  (and above your mother's.) 

• you don't take pictures on cruises anymore, because you can just haul out the seven shoe boxes at home and find a photo of what you're looking at...Kate in NY

• in between cruises you keep your luggage under the bed.
• after dinner, you go to watch TV real early so you`ll have a good seat...and, save one for your wife...Peter

• your hubby brings home a 20x30 hard backed poster of the Sun Princess in College Fjord Alaska (framed) and hangs it in our bedroom and it is the FIRST and LAST thing we see each day making us more anxious for the REAL THING this WEEK!... Mary

• you make baked Alaska, march around the dining room with sparklers singing "Gaa bress Amaracaa"...Phil

• your Dilbert page a day calendar on your desk has a little handwritten number in the corner counting the days until the next one (Nov 6)...Mike (also Steve) 

Here's Warren's top ten list for knowing you need a cruise...some real, some imagined.  You be the judge!

10.  When you have two dinner seatings.  First seating is for your cat. Second seating is for you.

9.    When you panic on April 15th.....because it's final payment due date for your cruise.

8.    When you play hookie from work to spend the afternoon out at sea....on the Staten Island Ferry.

7.   When you steal a handful of swizzle sticks off the Zenith to complete a set (Derek made me do it)

6.   When your entire apartment and office is decorated with ship photos and posters.

5.   When you have your office PC blow a ship's whistle when it boots up and sound a ship's bell when it shuts down.

4.   When you think the three wise men are Fieldings, Fodors, and Frommers.

3.   When you call your TA spur of the moment and she already has a cabin booked.

2.   When the only mirror in your apartment is an anatomically correct porthole.

1.   When someone says "my place or yours" and you ask if he's got an inside or ocean view.

  9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

  8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

  7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

  6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

  5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

  4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

  3. What elevation are we at?

  2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

  1. What time does the midnight buffet start?

Top 10 Ways to Pass Time Between Cruises

        I made a list of the top ten ways to pass time in between cruises. I don't know why, but I guess I just felt like it. I've pretty much done all of them except # 7, but I'm planning on doing that soon. I haven't been online much for the past two days, so I haven't gotten a chance to read the new postings.  Enjoy.

1. Make your own cruise line and a fleet of ships.  Draw what they should look like, make deck plans, plan itineraries, plan shore excursions, and design the outside of each ship.  Make a profile of each one, and then combine them all into a catalog, and make prices.  (My ships run from sailboats, to megaliners. It's a crazy idea but it is fun!)

2. Go cruise crazy, get all the books you can about cruises, cruise ships, exotic islands, and sunken ships.  Spend hours on the Internet looking at webcams and researching everything about every ship and cruise line in the world.

3. Write really in-depth reviews of every cruise you have been on.

4. Go through real cruise books, if you don't have any get some from a local T/A or write the line and see if they will give you information on the ships. 

5.  Going back to webcams, find one that is at sea or something.  Maximize it to fit your whole screen then spend the entire afternoon pretending you are sitting on the deck of that ship watching the scenery go by.

6. Get a recording of waves, or music that reminds you of the ocean and dream of sitting aboard a cruise ship on your way to the port of your dreams.

7. If you live near a port and have time go down to the dock at around 5 or so, whenever the ships leave and watch them sail away. 

8. Drive your friends crazy about cruises, or anyone that will listen. (I've had to resort to my dog and hamster)

9. Find reviews of cruises and read every one you can find.  Then dream of being on that ship.

10. Join a newsgroup to find other crazy cruise fans!!!!  (Thank goodness for R.T.C!)
 

Lee Lindquist has his own list:

(I know this feeling of driving those close crazy.  My wife's ready to commit me.  I've used sidewalk chalk to measure out the ship on the sidewalk in front of our house.  I can even tell you where our cabin is.  The ship we plan on taking is almost exactly the length of our sidewalk.)

Lee's reply:

You should move your dresser, bed and one chair into a walk-in closet, and live in it for a week.   Put the closet thermostat in the ceiling.   Seal the door with weather stripping, so it's dark enough to develop film.   Wish you'd brought a glow-in-the-dark clock.

Leave your dirty underwear lying around, and hope someone shapes it into a cute animal.

Get a van de graff generator (or a very dry cat) and keep your shower curtain statically charged, so that it 'hugs' you whenever you're in the shower.   Make sure the water temperature varies between 33 and 211 degrees. Constantly.

If your shower is of 'normal' size, have someone whack each of your elbows with a shoe to simulate hitting the shower walls.

Tune your clock radio to some boring all-talk-station, and set it to go off at random times, to simulate bingo announcements.

Get up at 4:00am, go outside and put a magazine and towel on a lawn chair in your neighbor's yard.

Go to ebay and buy a painting of jesus on black velvet for $4500.   Let the seller talk you into paying an additional $100 for framing, and $30 to have it sent to your home.   Enjoy a glass of complementary champagne.

Every time you leave your house, tear up two twenties to cover the shore excursion.    Before you go out, sit in your living room for 40 minutes waiting for your tender number to be called.

When you go anywhere in your car, make sure you stop at every store between your house and your destination, even if you don't need anything.   Consider getting your hair braided, even if bald.

When ever you come back to your house, carry as many bottles of liquor as humanly possibly.

If you have cable tv, rip out the cable, and with a permanent market write "NO SIGNAL" on the screen of your TV.

At the end of a week, put everything you own outside your front door (before midnight), and hope for the best.

...and Becca's addition:

It really bugs me when people:

• change into shorts after formal dinner.
• shout to each other in the passageway after bedtime.
• complain about the food at the dinner table.
• abuse the waitstaff.
• stake out prime deck chairs for the whole day with towels, sunblock, and  paperback book, then go to the afternoon movie or to the cabin for a nap.
• hold front row seats at a show for a party of six who are still having dessert and coffee in the dining room.
• pick up numbered tender tickets for the first boat ashore, then go back to the cabin to get ready.
• cut into the long line at the captain's welcome aboard party by pretending to know someone near the front.
• monopolize exercise machines like treadmills when there are people waiting.
• leave their laundry in the washer or dryer for hours after the cycle has finished.

accept wine from the dinner table companions' bottle, but never buy a bottle yourself, or, even worse,  let the waiter fill your glass but only take one sip and  leave the rest.