The Cruiser's Prayer
by Sharon Jackson as posted in r.t.c.
Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble, obedient cruising servants, who are doomed to cruise this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, eating ourselves silly and walking around muggy Caribbean islands in drip-dry underwear. We beseech You, our Lord, to give us non-stop flights, to see that our planes are not hijacked, our luggage is not lost, our overweight baggage goes unnoticed, and that there is no hurricane anywhere on the planet during our chosen cruise week.
Protect us from zealous Immigrations Officers who swear our "certified copies of our birth certificates" are forged; from suspicious Customs Inspectors who insist on seeing the $1,000 worth of T-shirts we bought in Nassau; from unscrupulous over-charging Jamaican taxi cab drivers, from avaricious porters who would search our bags and discard all the beer and soda therein, and from Guest Relations Clerks whose knowledge of the English language stops at "This ship is full. Don't even THINK of asking for an upgrade."
Give us this day Divine guidance in the selection of our cruise ships, that we may find two level showrooms, wide promenade decks, alternative dining options, a pizzeria, bartenders who know how to mix Margueritas, our staterooms made up with the twin beds converted to a king, a cabin steward who understands what lots of ice means, and that we actually paid less than the folks in the cabin next door.
We pray that our waiter and busboy speak our language, our iced tea glasses are kept filled at all times, and that there are no emergency shore-to-ship phone calls from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our cruise or wash dishes in the galley to pay the balance on our shipboard account.
Lead us, Dear Lord, to 2-for-1 specials on deluxe cruise ships where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, the wine, soda pop and port charges, taxes and government fees all included in the price, and that Richard Simmons was on LAST week's cruise.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly and forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance or overtipping out of fear. Make the bartenders put a full shot of rum in our Miami Vice and learn to love us for who we are and not for what we can contribute to their families back in Turkey.
Grant us the strength to attend the daily aerobics classes on deck, to work out frequently in the health spa, to use the stairs at all times, and to order only one or two main courses at dinner.
Permit us to book beauty appointments, massage sessions, thassalotherapy treatments, and to browse through the onboard shops and boutiques without sending our VISA cards into convulsions.
Allow us the will to attend all shore talks and the stamina to sit through another debarkation talk. Give us the strength to keep us from heckling the comedians and from making fun of the Cruise Director and the karaoke performers.
Help us become educated and wise cruisers, visiting the museums, the cathedrals, the forts, the palaces, the castles and the rain forests listed in the shore excursion booklets. If perchance we skip an historic monument to take a nap on a beautiful sandy beach, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.
For Husbands. . .
Dear God, keep our wives from signing us up for the "Not so Newlywed Game", from shopping sprees in St. Thomas, and away from the slot machines at all times. Protect them from bargains they do not need or can`t afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.
For Wives. . .
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from finding the "topless deck" and from gawking at all those bikini-clad women strutting around the ship's pool comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in the Disco and in the Passenger Talent Show. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.
The $99 Cruise
The Nude Gambler
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she shouted..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Thanx to Becca, as posted in r.t.c.
Ten Worst Jobs in the Travel Industry#10 Shuttle bus driver. Driving 'round and 'round all day with a truck full of grumpy businessmen and screaming kids.
#9 Airplane baggage handler. This job might actually improve my health and be fun—riding around in a little truck, tossing weights to and fro in the outdoors, looking in luggage for an occasional goodie—until the rain or snow comes.
#8 Airplane de-icing. I hate the cold.
#7 Parking lot attendant. It's kind of like a shuttle bus driver except you don't even get a chance to move.
#6 Airplane lavatory truck operator. Actually this job isn't so bad until there is some problem with the operation and thing start to leak—or worse.
#5 Hotel security guard. When the phone rings, it is almost never good news.
#4 Elevator operator: Where's the challenge in this job?
#3 Airport screeners. Poking through people's dirty socks? No thanks.
#2 Air marshal. When I think of this job, I'm reminded of what is said about sailing: Hours of boredom interspersed with moments of shear terror. Except for these guys those moments never come.
#1 Suicide bomber. The drawbacks here are that you are dead if you succeed, disgraced if you fail, and ugly in either case.
|Prayer for tourists (another version)
...As posted to rec.travel.cruises by Mike Leavitt
Heavenly Father, look down on us, your humble tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear. We beseech You, Oh Lord, to see that our plane is not hi-jacked, our luggage is not lost and our overweight bagage goes unnoticed. Protect us from surly and unscrupulous taxi drivers, avaricious porters and unlicensed English-speaking guides.
Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our hotels, that we may find our reservations honoured, our rooms made up and the hot water running from the correct tap if at all. We pray that the telephone works, that the operator speaks our tongue and that there is no telegram waiting from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of the trip.
Lead us, Dear Lord, to good inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters frindly and the wine included in the price of the meal. Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for undertipping out of ignorance and overtipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what they can screw out of us.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, cathedrals, palaces and castles listed as "musts"in guidebooks, and if per chance we skip a historical monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.
For husbands only:
For wives only:
|On a flight home after a
business trip, my husband was waiting for his meal. By the time
the attendant reached his seat, only one dinner remained on her cart.
Nonetheless, she followed routine by asking, "Steak or chicken?"
My husband stared at the dinner for some time before responding, "I give up. Which is it?"
|A young man who wants to see the world
to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...... please advise".
So the old man faxed back:...
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
Cruiseaholics' 12-Step Program
1) We admit that we are powerless over cruises and our lives have become unmanageable.....
2) Came to believe in a cruise greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3) Made a decision to turn our credit cards and our lives over to the care of cruising as we understand it.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of the chocoholic buffet on NCL
5) Admitted to cruising , to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of what formal night really means
6) Were entirely ready to have cruising remove all my dignity in the Best Legs contest on Carnival
7) Humbly asked cruising to remove all my dollar chips in the casino in three short hours
8) Made a list of all persons we had met on the cruise ship who we would like to see again on another cruise
9) Made direct payments to the shore excursions desk wherever possible, except when finding a better cheaper tour on our own
10) Continued to take personal inventory of the breakfast buffet and when we were full head straight to line dancing lessons
11) Sought through inside and outside cabins to improve our location with upgrades and room credits, praying only for a open seat with a view in the show lounge and the power to land a decent deck chair in the morning.
12) Having a had a cruise experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to cruiseaholics, and to practice these rituals in as many cruises a year as our pocket book allows.
Subject: Monitored Approach British Explanation
...thanx to Aunt Betty
Now try this actual explanation of this procedure from the
**British Airways Flight Operations Department Notice**
P2, and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot.
The Landing Pilot is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for taxi until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots.
The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.
The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around", as appropriate.
In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was
to restate them clearly.
MS = Motor Ship
SS = Steam Ship
CS = Casino Ship
RB = Rusty Bucket
GS = Garbage Scow
BB = Buffet Barge
FT = Floating Tenement
TT = Tub toy
GR = Glorified Raft
PPV = People Powered Vessel
OW = Old Whore (grins to Ernest)
IRT = Inflatable Refugee Transport
SIF = Staten Island Ferry
CLT = Circle Line Tour
CPRB = Central Park Row Boat
|An 85 year old woman named Florence went to
market in Nassau and bought a hat. She wore it back to the
As she was going up the gangplank, a gust of wind came and blew her
up. Florence put both hands on the hat to keep it from blowing
her head. The cruise director saw this and said, "Florence, your
dress is being blown. People can see everything."
Florence said, "Everything they can see is 85 years old. This hat is brand new."
A man was ashore in a port with tender service and forgot when the last tender back to the ship would be. He approached the dock and saw a tender fifteen feet from the dock. He raced to the end of the dock and made a flying jump into the tender landing flat on his face. He turned to the officer in charge and said, "That was a pretty good long jump. It must have been fifteen feet."
The officer said, "Yes, but I don’t know why you did it. This tender is coming in"
Speaking of tenders, I hope the ship recovers all of it’s tender before it leaves. I don’t want to be on a ship with a tender behind.
A ship was slinking. The only people aboard were the captain, chief engineer, first mate, and second mate. There were only three more places in the last lifeboat.
The captain said, "There are only three more places in the lifeboat and there are four of us. The way we’ll decide which of us does not get a place is that I’ll ask you questions about sea disasters. The first one who can’t answer a question correctly stays behind. If you all answer the questions correctly, I’ll stay behind." Everybody agreed to that.
The captain asked the second mate a question, "What White Star Line ship struck an iceberg in 1912 and sunk."
The second mate responded, "The Titanic."
"That’s right, take your place in the lifeboat."
The first mates turn came next. "How many lives were lost?"
The first mate answered, "1503."
"That’s right, take your place in the lifeboat."
The captain turned to the chief engineer and said, "Name
ONLY FOUR PARACHUTES
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Bill Clinton said: "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.", so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, Antoine Walker said: "I am one of the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die", so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.
The third passenger, Hillary Clinton said: "I am the wife of the President of the United States, and soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world", so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.
The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul the second, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout: "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you take the last parachute.
The boy scout said: "It's okay. There's a parachute left for you. The world's smartest woman took my backpack."
Forgive me if any Democrats are offended...just a joke..ok?
FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ALL the people in the gate area came to a
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying
to change airlines!
Smooth and Uneventful FlightA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
back of mine!"
Actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
|An old man and his wife,
who was nearly
deaf, were driving to Miami. They stopped at a full service gas station
to fill up their tank.
The service attendant came to the window and said, "Hi folks. What can I do for you today?"
The old woman asked in a really irritating voice, "What? What'd he say??"
"He wants to know what we want", shouted the old man. The old man told the attendant to fill up the tank, so the attendant went about his business.
He came back while the tank was filling and asked the old man where they were headed.
The old woman again asked in that same irritating voice, "What? What'd he say??"
"He wants to know where we're off to", shouted the old man, and he told the attendant they were going to Miami to take their annual cruise to the Caribbean.
"Wow, there are some beautiful islands in the Caribbean. Where are you folks from?"
"What? What'd he say??", the old woman asked again.
The old man shouted back, "He wants to know where we live." The old man told him hey were from Long Island.
"Wow, that's a great place, too. But I had the worst sex of my life in New York.
Again the old woman asked, "What? What'd he say??"
The old man shouted back at her, "He says he
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what
words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and
confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle
and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the
plane door, on any flight I choose."
I went to the airport. I had three pieces of luggage. I said that I want this piece to go to Cleveland, this piece to Toronto, and this piece to Florida.
The airline agent said, "We can't do that."
I replied, "Well, you did it last week."
The Top 16 Signs You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship
16. The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake.
15. Scheduled entertainment: The comedy stylings of Kato Kaelin!
14. All activities are scheduled for after sundown, and the chefs refuse to cook with garlic...
13. First port of call on your "Surprise Adventures Tour" is East Timor.
12. Six-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go -- and it's *not* a Disney cruise.
11. The "TrekCruise" brochure said nothing about William Shatner eating all the shrimp before you get to the buffet.
10. "LIFEBOATS?!? We don't NEED no stinkin' lifeboats!!"
9. The scenery is nice, but monotonous: two seagulls, a puffy cloud, a sun, then wait ten seconds and it starts over again.
8. Complimentary Polo shirt is yours to keep -- after you make a dozen more just like 'em for Kathie Lee at the Guatemala port of call.
7. The Good News: You've been invited to dine at the captain's table. The Bad News: Tonight's entertainment is a live sex show at the captain's table.
6. Welcome aboard "wine and cheese" buffet consists of Ripple and Velveeta slices.
5. Their ship: Leonardo DiCaprio sketches a tasteful nude of you in your cabin. Your ship: Bobby-Ray spray paints your name on one of the smokestacks.
4. "And here's your dance director: The man who invented dancing, Al Gore!"
3. Cruise line name: ValuBoat Destination: Florida Everglades . That strong smell of fish is not coming from the sea, but from your cruise director, Julie McCrusty.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship...
1. "Attention passengers: Now starting on the Lido Deck is the ship's Tequila Shots Championship. Come watch undefeated Captain Hazelwood defend his title!"
...and some more
1.) Your cruise director used to be a guard at Leavenworth Prison.
2.) Your chief purser is an old mafia leg-breaker who settles accounts by any means necessary.
3.) On that note, your cabin stewards are running a protection racket.
4.) Your cruise line's executive chef is your old lunchlady from junior high.
5.) "Fielding's Worldwide Cruises" gave the ship you're on a "Four Iceberg" rating.
6.) You take a tour of the bridge only to find the captain setting course to play "chicken" with the "Grand Princess".
7.) Your ship was featured in a recent production known as "The Lust Boat".
8.) The DJ in the disco repeatedly plays "Macarena" and "Barbie Girl" even if he has plenty in his library.
9.) Instead of white or dark chocolate on your pillow, you get a piece of Clove chewing gum.
10.) The towel animals have fur on them.
|This comparison was posted in r.t.c. by
Subject: I get knocked down
Having just returned from a HAL trip, my friend offered the following hour-by-hour comparison of cruise life & real life for me--thought y'all would enjoy . . .
Time Cruise Reality
6:45 am Sleeping
Alarm clock sounds
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault .....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew haveb rought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silence, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."
|This is a transcript of an
conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast
of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by
the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The Ten Tourist Commandments
from Fred Lanyard
CRUISE VALUE CENTER
Toll Free(888)735-SHIP Residence:(732)636-0938
And, from GadgetWorld...You know your a cruise addict when....
You know the CRUISE BUG'S gotcha when....
sets you off talking about cruises for the next 2 days...Margaret Anne
Here's Warren's top ten list for knowing you need a cruise...some real, some imagined. You be the judge!
9. When you panic on April 15th.....because it's final payment due date for your cruise.
4. When you think the three wise men are Fieldings, Fodors, and Frommers.
3. When you call your TA spur of the moment and she already has a cabin booked.
2. When the only mirror in your apartment is an anatomically correct porthole.
1. When someone says "my place or yours" and you ask if he's got an inside or ocean view.
Top Ten List of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time does the midnight buffet start?
Top 10 Ways to Pass Time Between Cruisesposted in r.t.c. by Catherine (who realllllly wants to go on a cruise!!! Soon!!!):
I made a list of the top ten ways to pass time in between cruises. I don't know why, but I guess I just felt like it. I've pretty much done all of them except # 7, but I'm planning on doing that soon. I haven't been online much for the past two days, so I haven't gotten a chance to read the new postings. Enjoy.
1. Make your own cruise line and a fleet of ships. Draw what they should look like, make deck plans, plan itineraries, plan shore excursions, and design the outside of each ship. Make a profile of each one, and then combine them all into a catalog, and make prices. (My ships run from sailboats, to megaliners. It's a crazy idea but it is fun!)
2. Go cruise crazy, get all the books you can about cruises, cruise ships, exotic islands, and sunken ships. Spend hours on the Internet looking at webcams and researching everything about every ship and cruise line in the world.
3. Write really in-depth reviews of every cruise you have been on.
4. Go through real cruise books, if you don't have any get some from a local T/A or write the line and see if they will give you information on the ships.
5. Going back to webcams, find one that is at sea or something. Maximize it to fit your whole screen then spend the entire afternoon pretending you are sitting on the deck of that ship watching the scenery go by.
6. Get a recording of waves, or music that reminds you of the ocean and dream of sitting aboard a cruise ship on your way to the port of your dreams.
7. If you live near a port and have time go down to the dock at around 5 or so, whenever the ships leave and watch them sail away.
8. Drive your friends crazy about cruises, or anyone that will listen. (I've had to resort to my dog and hamster)
9. Find reviews of cruises and read every one you can find. Then dream of being on that ship.
10. Join a newsgroup to find other crazy cruise fans!!!!
goodness for R.T.C!)
Lee Lindquist has his own list:In reply to Jamesh's post:
(I know this feeling of driving those close crazy. My wife's ready to commit me. I've used sidewalk chalk to measure out the ship on the sidewalk in front of our house. I can even tell you where our cabin is. The ship we plan on taking is almost exactly the length of our sidewalk.)
Lee's reply:I don't think you've gone far enough with the chalk.
You should move your dresser, bed and one chair into a walk-in closet, and live in it for a week. Put the closet thermostat in the ceiling. Seal the door with weather stripping, so it's dark enough to develop film. Wish you'd brought a glow-in-the-dark clock.
Leave your dirty underwear lying around, and hope someone shapes it into a cute animal.
Get a van de graff generator (or a very dry cat) and keep your shower curtain statically charged, so that it 'hugs' you whenever you're in the shower. Make sure the water temperature varies between 33 and 211 degrees. Constantly.
If your shower is of 'normal' size, have someone whack each of your elbows with a shoe to simulate hitting the shower walls.
Tune your clock radio to some boring all-talk-station, and set it to go off at random times, to simulate bingo announcements.
Get up at 4:00am, go outside and put a magazine and towel on a lawn chair in your neighbor's yard.
Go to ebay and buy a painting of jesus on black velvet for $4500. Let the seller talk you into paying an additional $100 for framing, and $30 to have it sent to your home. Enjoy a glass of complementary champagne.
Every time you leave your house, tear up two twenties to cover the shore excursion. Before you go out, sit in your living room for 40 minutes waiting for your tender number to be called.
When you go anywhere in your car, make sure you stop at every store between your house and your destination, even if you don't need anything. Consider getting your hair braided, even if bald.
When ever you come back to your house, carry as many bottles of liquor as humanly possibly.
If you have cable tv, rip out the cable, and with a permanent market write "NO SIGNAL" on the screen of your TV.
At the end of a week, put everything you own outside your front door (before midnight), and hope for the best.
...and Becca's addition:In the evening, go into a restaurant and insist on being seated at a table with 6 other people. Ask if they have been on this ship before. Order everything on the menu and leave without paying - do not leave a tip, tell the waiter you will catch him at the end of the week.
It really bugs me when people:
accept wine from the dinner table companions' bottle, but never buy a bottle yourself, or, even worse, let the waiter fill your glass but only take one sip and leave the rest.
© 1996-2006 Candy Brock