Monday, August 08, 2005

Today I Am Beating It!

Dear Friends and Family,

Hi. Checking in.

Last night Martha was my protector voice. She asked if I was really serious about this raw food diet and my meditation and exercise plan. She was the voice saying lets check in- are you serious or are you mad? In case y'all haven't heard, I stopped doing chemo at the beginning of May. This was contrary to oncologist logic. But, me, I followed my heart.

I felt that if I had enough strength to walk into the infusion center every other week then I had strength for something more. If I could let the nurses stick a needle in my arm and pump poison in my in my veins until they felt like they were made of brittle glass then I could do something different. If I could go through this and all the while maintain a good attitude then I thought I must have some fire left in me. And if I could fight my way back from a death-like intoxification to mental and physical equanimity after each infusion, despite feeling myself decline physically and emotionally, then I must have some gusto left to try and fight on my own.

So I made the decision to stop following oncological advice. It felt so right. It is a decision that makes sense to me. I believe it is right and I feel good. A well-made decision isn't defined by whether it is right or wrong. A well-made decision is one that is cleanly made.

(Besides with this fucking Cancer there is no right or wrong answers.)

I feel that I am now directing the quality of my life and that alone is worth stopping. It has been a powerful, life-affirming action. Life now is my intention, my focus. This intention is like a bright light from inside. It is not a pure beam of light, unwavering, but like the sun through a magnifying glass, coming in and out of focus. The light seems like it burns hot and more often now. I have felt good. I have been living. Living. Living. But also, I have been aware that all good things must come to an end.

But why worry about it. My oncologist suggested why. Kevin Chang, Mr. No-Nonsense embodied, naturally was another protector voice. "I know that you know how many, how painfully and how fast Pancreatic Cancer kills. And you have made the possibilities clear to your family" says the doctor- "I respect your decision.".

Worrying about dying (or whatever) when there is (perhaps) so little living left to be done. It is silly. So I did not worry. On the contrary, I went to the top of a mountain and meditated (oh! This is too much, you say).

It is awfully close to worrying but completely different.

Worrying is:

"Oh Shit! I am dying of Cancer!"

Meditating is:

Gee, there is that thought "Oh Shit! I am dying of Cancer!" I do seem to think that a lot. I wonder what I'll think of next.

But I gained perspective watching my thoughts go by. I sat and sat. I ate my veggies. I ate my fruits. I did yoga. Well, I did a little yoga. But I have been doing other exercise.

I felt good, I was spending good time with people I love.

Was it working? I mean from the western medical model? Did it matter? No. I was feeling good.

But, I decided to look at my "feeling fine" by the oncologist's benchmark. These benchmarks are the quantity of tumor markers in the blood and the size of the tumor on the C-Scan.

I felt that I would not really be affected by the results. I felt good and that was the important measure.

Well I'm writing you all so obviously I am affected. So call me a liar, g'head.

My CEA markers are down from 11 to 2.3
My CA 19-9 markers are down from 200 to 72.5 (40 is in the normal range).
My CAT Scan shows the pancreatic mass reduced from 3.7 x 2.3 to 2.4 x 2.0

There you have it. The news today is I think I can beat it. My body feels like I am beating it. And now the numbers say I am right. Today I am beating it!

Love John