Dear Friends and Family,

It has been a long year, a dark year. I am feeling really well now. My past two scans have shown no signs of active tumors or metastases. I have had no more scans since those of the past winter. We have been monitoring my situation via the blood, which shows ever-decreasing counts for the tumor markers. I do continue to take Gemcitabine chemo therapy every two weeks, dipping into a low place and coming back.

We took a trip this summer though the west and left our cancer family life behind for a while. We played the part of just another anonymous tourist gawking at the wonders of nature. And for a lot of the time we distanced ourselves from the whole burden of cancer.

Coming home to the choice of continuing the same routines woke me up to the choices in front of me. One of those choices is survivorship vs. deferred decline. I am slowly grasping that I am a survivor. But to use the word grasp is to suggest a solidness that is not part of reality. I beginning to own that idea I should say. The belief that I am living and not vanishing washes over me as the waves break in a rising tide. The notion comes on me and fills me in ever-greater volumes. And then it retreats. Hope and despair alternate but the presence of despair become less and less.

My situation my miracle is unacceptable, impossible to the skeptic in me. Like walking away from a plane crash that kills all the other passengers, my situation is hard to grasp. It is hard to believe. But now I am giving far less attention to the voice of the skeptic. I am focusing on deep healing and a long-term therapy plan. To give me space and time to do this work I have discussed it with my family and have decided not to return to work for now. I am staying at home and being the house daddy focusing on nesting and child loving as much as my energy allows. I’m envisioning the best possible now and dreaming of what might be. Dreaming of Possibility. Dreaming.

All my love,