As some of you know, and some do not, John has been gravely ill for the last two months. We have finally gotten a diagnosis and wanted you all to know. John has cancer, Adenocarcinoma, which may have begun in his pancreas. They did a laparoscopy yesterday morning. They found several good sized tumors on numerous places in his abdominal cavity: pancreas, colon, small intestine, mesentery, and omentum. They will begin chemotherapy within a few days. They cannot begin sooner because chemotherapy is very specialized these days, so they use different types of chemotherapy depending on the type of cancer. Therefore, they need the results of the biopsy in order to determine the proper type to use. They cannot simply remove the tumors because there are too many and they are so well established, so chemotherapy is the next step in such cases.

John has been in a good deal of pain for a couple of months now. With Vicodin, he can sleep some and eat some and do some minimal activities, but not much. He will not be able to continue as Director at Valley Oak nor will he be able to teach. They are talking about hiring him as an advisor to the new Director which would give him a small income and work he can do when he is able. (It would also give him a chance to contribute to the thing that may be his legacy.) I considered putting the kids in school and Lacy in daycare in order to get a bigger job. We decided in the end, however, that it would be too much of a disruption and too much stress. It seems to make more sense for our family for me to stay home and take care of all four of them. Our housing is covered. There is no disability through John's work, but we are applying to Social Security. We will just cut back to as minimal expenses as possible. It is much easier to do than it would have been a few months ago, because frankly, none of the things that would have been difficult to give up a few months ago matter to us in the slightest now. Fortunately, because of a glitch in the start-up process at Valley Oak, we applied for and received an individual insurance plan last March, long before he sought any treatment for the problem that turned out to be cancer. (He thought he was having indigestion related to stress all spring.) This means that our insurance is not related to John's employment and we can keep it even though John can't work. It has a high deductible, and I was quite bothered at the time to give up our good insurance. Now, however, the deductible will seem like nothing in the scope of the medical expenses to come, and we are not faced with applying for coverage with a cancer diagnosis now that he can't work. That might have proved very difficult indeed. It never ceases to amaze me how lucky we are!

So far, we are all taking the situation OK. Mostly, we just enjoy what we have and don't think too much about anything else. Sometimes, we find ourselves wondering things like, will Lacy remember him? or just let him live until Grace loses her first tooth; but these thoughts have nothing to do with today so we don't dwell on them. John's mother has lived with cancer for nearly a decade now. Although her situation continues to deteriorate, it does so slowly and not with her consent. She still lives alone, drives and even travels. John's brother has lived with HIV for even longer. They are strong in their family, and I know that John will not give up. In the meantime, any time that I am not thankful for my beautiful husband's presence in our lives, I know that I am losing my focus. At that point, I cut out the distraction and go back to what is important, taking care of myself and my family and being together right now. It seems that in a way we are lucky for this time. Everyone will die some day, but not everyone is given a chance to appreciate what they have while they are alive. A person could die in an accident and never get the opportunity to understand and express how precious life was. I think we are really just facing a reality that most pretend does not exist, but that really exists for all of us. I can see why we all pretend, though, because it is a very sad and scary thing. No matter how centered and philosophical you think you are, nothing prepares a person for the day the doctor says "months" about your one true love.

We are getting a lot of support from people around us. Thank you all for the flood of calls and expressions of concern. We feel very well cared for. It is actually starting to get a bit overwhelming. I even considered asking people not to call anymore, but I know I would regret it very soon. Instead, I ask you to continue to call, but please do not be offended if we don't answer and never call back. Just call again later. We are not much up to making phone calls. John and the kids need me so badly that I just can't spend all my time on the phone. Because we are so overwhelmed by our lives and don't really feel up to managing the offers for help, some friends have volunteered to coordinate them

If you do want to help, I ask that you pace yourselves. I am really good in a crisis, but am likely to be a real mess a couple of months from now as it drags on (and dragging on is a good thing!). My biggest fear is that our need will be biggest when the enthusiasm has waned. (Facing a fight for life and possible death or widowhood makes one an odd sort of celebrity but celebrity status does not last.) So, rather than several weeks of meals now and nothing months from now, I would prefer a lower level of help for a long time.

To all of you who came over to get the room ready for when John comes back from the hospital, THANK YOU!!!! Getting all that support really took the edge off for me, and I'm sure John will do better to have a quiet and comfortable place to be sick.

If anyone has any good educational materials on anatomy or cell biology, I would appreciate borrowing them or getting the links to good websites. Materials on helping kids deal with terminal illness in the family would also be greatly appreciated. It looks as if we will have a new focus for our homeschooling this semester.

Finally, please don't tell me any more stories of people who lived or died of cancer. For some reason, these stories make it very difficult for me to live in the moment. I know that they are intended to give hope, or a suggestion for care, but it mostly just throws me into thinking about outcomes. I seem to be better off when I just stay open to whatever John feels he needs to do. I will of course, do everything in my power to help him live. It is just that I need to affirm his basic OKness even if he does not. This may not make any sense to people who have not been through it with a spouse. His mother understands what I mean. I guess you could ask someone who has been through it to explain.

I am sorry to let you all know this news in such an impersonal way. I know that this situation will be difficult for many of you also. In away, I am luckier than you, because I have John here to appreciate every moment which keeps the fear away. You on the other hand, have only memory and the fear of loss. For that, my heart goes out to you. It is a good time for all of us to pray.

Love, Martha