Lesson One: Buy an expensive rod and reel.

It won't make any different to the fish, but your friends will be impressed.

Lesson Two: Wear a stylish hat like the guys in the instructional videos.

You should always look good not catching fish.

Lesson Three: Always practice catch and release. Whenever anyone asks "How many?" you just shrug as if you can't count that high and say "I always catch and release." This works when you really do release lots of fish. It also works when you released before you caught.

Lesson Four: Wear lots of neat gear on your vest. These should be name-brands. However, you can buy most of your unnecessary gear at Wal-mart or K-Mart and then prominently display just one flashy gadget from Orvis or L.L.Bean. Your friends will be equally impressed.

Lesson Five: When you see another fly that you don't really need, but the fly would be really nice to buy because you never know when you'll need it on the stream, just remind yourself that lots of other guys have lots of other vices that aren't nearly as healthy for themselves or good for the economy.

Lesson Six: Don't get hung up on entomology unless you want to. Some people obfuscate the truth with vocabulary (i.e. bureaucrats, lawyers) while others use esoteric technobabble to intimidate (i.e. bureaucrats, lawyers). The match of "a tiny gray fly with swooped backed wings" will catch just as many fish as matching a hydroptilidae hatch.

Lesson Seven: Never divulge your spending on your fishing habit to your spouse. This rule, like the rights of man (or woman) in the Declaration of Independence, is self-evident.

Lesson Eight: When you fail to uphold rule seven, justify and rationalize something like the following: "Honey, I fish on streams, and that's why I need the extra bamboo rod. Imagine if I fished on a lake. Just think of the money I'm saving by not buying a new boat, a bigger motor, and a fancier depth finder!"

Lesson Nine: When rule eight fails, buy your spouse fishing equipment at the nearest opportunity, but don't skimp on other gifts. Not being cheap is a key ingredient to getting your spouse involved with the sport. You may have to cut into your own budget, but this pain will be short lived, for you will see that this is a win/win situation for all involved.

Lesson Ten: The Secret of Becoming a Master Fisherman

In order to become a master fisherman, you must remember that reputation is everything. What's the difference between a masterpiece of modern art and your child's fingerpainting? Exactly. Reputation is everything.

Therefore, to embark on your goal of becoming a master fisherman, try this simple procedure. This will impress anyone who wanders by your desk and will get your name in circulation. Cut a picture out of a fishing magazine of a person holding a huge trout. Make sure the fish is big, the person's head is small, and your genders match (the other person, not the fish). Paste an appropriately-sized picture of your head over the head in the magazine (the other person, not the fish). If the gloss doesn't quite match, use a color copy machine or a scanner on the "improved" picture. Buy a classy wooden frame. Display on your desk.

Soon your boss will take you out to lunch in order to talk "shop" (i.e. fishing). Your salary will jump, your promotion to an administrative level will force you to take business (i.e. fishing) trips, and very soon you will be able to place a better picture of yourself and your trophy fish within that frame.

In psychobabble vocabulary, this is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy.